He shakes his head, looking away, not out of humiliation but idle thoughtfulness.]
I'm sure. One was because he already had someone. Which is fine. I am glad. I care for that person, too. One was because he was only looking for something casual. That I understand. There isn't anything wrong with that. The other one is... well, dead, I suppose, and so there is no point in pursuing anything because of it.
Who knows - I will likely be dead soon as well. Which is also an issue. I had started... thinking it was me, honestly. I was the problem. I think Jae-ha is the only man who has been straight-forward with me which makes me hate him all the more.
And then, [He looks back. The vibes are everything is a trash fire with him as well. Wahoo!] there is Anders. I am not sure what to do about Anders.
I mean... if one of them is here are they actually dead? [ but he digresses. ] I can't even think of who you are talking about right now. I mean I know Anders but the rest... [ the emotion of curiosity. ]
I'm gonna guess Jae-Ha wanted casual? [ ... ] What do you mean you'll also be dead soon? What the hell is happening? [ but there is a sigh. ] To be fair I don't know if Anders knows what to do about Anders. His relationship kinda fell apart in Heaven and he's been trying to work through stuff but... he tries.
We're not done talking about you. [ which is to say he'll uphold his end of the deal but LISTEN. ]
He tries not to laugh about the Anders thing, has to bite his lip for it. He's not trying to be mean to Anders, but the way Jonas says it is funny is all.]
Jae-ha is a free spirit in both movement and love. [Jonas being full of questions is amusing.] I came here... right before what I assume will be a terrible battle. My friends and I were preparing for a fight with... Lucien, a man who has access to... [A shake of his head.] Unprecedented power. I don't think we'll make it out alive.
[Actually, I just realized that Jonas's weird fucking alien ghost shit and Lucien's weird fucking Aeor shit have extremely similar vibes.]
...I will tell you who, but only if you promise not to let them know I told you. I don't want them to feel harassed just because of me. Not... that you'd harass them, just... You know.
[ sometimes you are a fool and do not think about how things sound. but he does sort of frown because battle? also didn't rosamund mention a lucien... as a guy who dated viktor... this whole cross-dimensional thing is fucking weird, he's trying not to think too hard about it. ]
... you can only be as prepared as you can be. For your sake, I hope you do. But I think at least you won't go out without your best effort. [ it's just that sometimes things are more powerful than your best effort.
he's fine moving away from this topic though for a moment. ]
Essek. What kind of a bartender do you think I am that would spill the things people have said to me in confidence?
[The way no one has told him about Lucien being in space at all, and so he thinks nothing of it. He remains unaware the man can be domesticated, and will go at exactly as Jonas has advised.]
Well, [a short, quiet laugh,] I haven't been to very many taverns really.
[He is just kidding. Not about the bar virginity, but about giving Jonas some hell for being called out.]
I know. I'm just... I don't want to make it any harder for them. [Or for himself. It takes him a moment to look up, and then he looks away slightly anyway.] Aventurine, Wriothesley, and Childe.
[ please don't die and have fun, he guesses. there's a short little grin because he does recognize the joke. ]
I get it. It's stuff between you guys, but... sometimes an outside perspective can help. [ except those sure are three names and he just sort of blinks slowly. ] ... wait all of them?
[Yeah, it happens. It's fine. Some men are simply not available in the way you need them to be, and sometimes they all come from fucking HYV. :')
His sigh in quiet, he glances back idly at his drink, studying the aesthetic liquid inside of it.]
Yes. They have their reasons, and I respect that. Aventurine is from the village. He is together with one of my friends I met there, one who happened to be a fellow traitor with the other three of us.
[Since, like, Jonas didn't know Aventurine from the start and they apparently have history. Yay...]
[ he pauses to think about his own current situation and takes a sip. christ. ]
And so obviously it's a little harder to do much of anything when the man's taken. Yeah, I get that. [ ... ] It's... I don't know. I've always sort of believed you can't help who you fall for, whether you want to avoid it or not. Sometimes the world just sucks that way where you meet the right people at the wrong times. It doesn't mean they're not still the right people, but it's hard to see just how right they could be when there're roadblocks.
Plus sometimes your relationships with your friends are far more important anyway.
[Yeah. YEAH! But he listens to what Jonas says, finally managing to lift his eyes and give Jonas his undivided attention.]
Well, if you ask Aventurine, he will gladly tell you that, "One day, you will find someone you are willing to risk it all for."
[He says this not as someone who doesn't necessarily believe it, but as someone who finds it wry to say this to a man they did not know was going to be rejected by two more people.]
I do appreciate my friends, yes. I... miss them actually. [A frown into the glass.] A lot more now than I realized.
And I agree with the guy, but I do still stand by what I said about you can't help who that person is. [ so yeah, he agrees, you'll find someone to risk everything for, but... ]
... it's been a long time since any of us have seen home. Of course you're going to miss what's most familiar.
[Don't just agree with Aventurine. The vibes are, despite being fond, he is saying don't just agree with Aventurine. Damn.]
I know. After everything, it only feels as if they would offer... my life some normalcy, as ironic as it would be so say such... considering they are full of chaos.
It's kind of why I'm ready to go home, I guess. I don't necessarily want to go back to how things were but I do think a reset's needed just to figure out what normal is anymore. Besides, I hink there's a difference between a loving chaos and a chaos that'll drive you insane in the worst ways. This place borders on the latter, like, all the time.
[ there's a nod. he knows, sometimes you just Get It. ]
We may not always get what we want, but we have a few days to figure out how to shape the end. Who knows? It might even surprise you in ways you weren't thinking.
I feel as if I should be telling you all something along these lines considering how your headspace seemed to be from what we all could see. And your letters, no less, before they stopped.
[He is still teasing somewhat. The vibes are mildly fond and worried even if there is a tsundere bite.]
I did think about writing again last week but... things got complicated and then I couldn't really use my hands for a few days anyway because of that trip and by then we knew you'd be back. Sorry for the abrupt cut-off.
But... good. [ a little relief his message got across. ] I know it can be hard to picture but you know what they say. It isn't over until it's over.
It's alright. I am giving you a hard time is all. Anders and I didn't have a lot of correspondence either. And I didn't write much this last week myself.
[He gets it. Also, they were coming back, so. It's fine. It worked out.]
So... About yourself. Care to explain how you have been?
I figured you guys were just as busy there as we were here. But at least this is way faster and more efficient. [ he seems to prefer face to face anyway, even if the prompt makes his expression fall a little. ]
... not really, but I do know that's unfair when you just told me all of that. [ haha. ] I think... I just wanna go home. I'm tired of being here and I'm tired of screwing things up and I'm tired of thinking about losing people again. I don't think I really did all that much to contribute here because I didn't go through with a murder or anything for achievements and to be honest I think I'm just losing my mind a little. So. You know.
[ the mood drop immediately gets a spike of discomfort from him because this is exactly why he doesn't actively tell people anything until he just kind of explodes. but he frowns and sets his glass down to come around from behind the bar. ]
He turns around to face Jonas when Jonas comes to him. He doesn't get off the stool because he is short, so it's stupid. Instead, he can teach this way.
He just wraps his arms around Jonas's shoulders and pulls him into a hug. It's wildly shocking coming from someone like him, someone who was so cold and chilly, so distance, but he has been through a lot of shit which has maybe changed him.
The hug is tight, empathetic. Not pity.]
I understand, Jonas. I agree. I think, actually, I have said these very words to myself for the last several weeks. I miss Exandria, and I miss the Mighty Nein, and I miss... Scien, and Nehan, and Muelsyse, my friends from the village.
[ this is wildly shocking actually, because essek always struck him as someone distant and a little pragmatic, more logical than emotional. not that there was anything wrong with that, and not that there's anything wrong with this. instead, the emotional blip is sort of a surprised little thing before it staggers out into just... sadness, probably, in a way of someone who has been lowkey depressed for longer than even they've noticed.
but he can at least return the gesture since he acknowledges it's not pity. ]
It feels... stupid to say it, I guess. Like everyone wants to go home, so why am I special, you know? You have your friends and other people have jobs and missions and other people just like where they're from. But I'm tired, I think? I don't want to do this anymore. [ i don't want to be alone either but it's probably for the best for a bit. ]
[Disney hugs Jonas. He has to let go first (no). But he does give Jonas a long, reassuring hug. My man... My man! Wait, he should have been gentle because Jonas probably hurts. Fuck.
Anyhow, he finally pulls back just enough to rest his hands on either side of Jonas's neck by the ears. He looks over Jonas's face studiously.]
I would be the first one to tell you there is nothing wrong in wanting to be by yourself doing not a thing important to any place in time. That's okay, Jonas.
I'm tired, too. I have been. I don't feel as if I have done anything of any merit here, and perhaps I am worse considering I was in such an elevated position before as a guide. What have I done? Died the first week and spent the remainder being teased about my feet and pursued by men who ultimately won't be apart of my life anymore after this probably.
I have made such a mess of myself here, I think. I'm ashamed of my behavior, of... thinking about these sorts of things - friends, kissing, relationships, whatever, over... the more important matters.
The end of this. The battle back home I might not survive. The fact I have done such awful things to people, to my country.
[ thinks about crau2 where jason was cursed as shit and just picked nico up to hug him forever like a sad cat. same vibe i suppose. he doesn't seem to be hurting too much now, mostly just last-healing wounds and soreness, so he just sort of stays here. he also doesn't seem to mind where essek's hands go, tired gaze following. this close up it's likely easier to see the fading bruising on his face and the fact he probably hasn't slept in days, but you know. ]
That's... exactly it. [ it's maybe a little alarming to him how he suddenly kind of wants to cry mostly because essek does hit on a crux of what the problem is and he's just glad to hear it said in a way he can grasp. ]
I do and I don't want to be by myself, but I have to go back anyway so I don't really get an option. I feel like... everyone has said I don't have to be responsible for everything here and I don't have to be God and I thought I was fine just trying to be Jonas again, but Jonas has fucked up some things that I don't think I can actually fix. I couldn't do everything I wanted to for people in Heaven's round and I couldn't do things for people in this round and I feel stupid trying to think about anything but this game. The whole point was to make sure we got the dead back and we earned our endings. I owed the guys from Heaven my best because they got dragged through the worst the first time, and instead I've let myself get distracted a lot. I don't regret meeting people and being around people and learning about them, but I think... I should have known better. What to prioritize and what to stop obsessing about. I should have been smarter instead of asking the same questions over and over again because it doesn't stick, I guess.
I have a lot to make up for, and every time I think about it I think about how things ended the first time and how I owe the future better. But also that I'm not qualified for this? People have said I'm the right person for the job, but... being here, I feel like I should've made better decisions. And I really only have myself to blame I guess.
[ except there's a weird bewildered sort of emotion. ]
[Immediately grabs a big ol' hold of Jonas's nose and honks and shakes it gently.]
Do not ask anything about my feet, young man. [LEAVE HIS FEET ALONEEEEEEE.] I wear toe rings, and I don't care about anyone's opinions on them.
[Anyway. He will release Jonas's nose and then pat his cheek softly. Careful of the bruise. Baby, why are you getting hit in the face. Stop.]
I think you are doing alright, Jonas. I think... despite how tired and insane we feel, we are both... somehow doing alright. The best we can.
A very good friend of mine told me once that I can be a better person. I can leave things better than the way I found them. And... he was right. Even me, even after what all I've done, is still have a chance... to leave things better than they were before.
You will, too. You wouldn't be so torn up about it if you couldn't. You would be like....... Scaramouche.
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[God. Like, literally.
He shakes his head, looking away, not out of humiliation but idle thoughtfulness.]
I'm sure. One was because he already had someone. Which is fine. I am glad. I care for that person, too. One was because he was only looking for something casual. That I understand. There isn't anything wrong with that. The other one is... well, dead, I suppose, and so there is no point in pursuing anything because of it.
Who knows - I will likely be dead soon as well. Which is also an issue. I had started... thinking it was me, honestly. I was the problem. I think Jae-ha is the only man who has been straight-forward with me which makes me hate him all the more.
And then, [He looks back. The vibes are everything is a trash fire with him as well. Wahoo!] there is Anders. I am not sure what to do about Anders.
Anyway - how is yours going?
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I'm gonna guess Jae-Ha wanted casual? [ ... ] What do you mean you'll also be dead soon? What the hell is happening? [ but there is a sigh. ] To be fair I don't know if Anders knows what to do about Anders. His relationship kinda fell apart in Heaven and he's been trying to work through stuff but... he tries.
We're not done talking about you. [ which is to say he'll uphold his end of the deal but LISTEN. ]
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He tries not to laugh about the Anders thing, has to bite his lip for it. He's not trying to be mean to Anders, but the way Jonas says it is funny is all.]
Jae-ha is a free spirit in both movement and love. [Jonas being full of questions is amusing.] I came here... right before what I assume will be a terrible battle. My friends and I were preparing for a fight with... Lucien, a man who has access to... [A shake of his head.] Unprecedented power. I don't think we'll make it out alive.
[Actually, I just realized that Jonas's weird fucking alien ghost shit and Lucien's weird fucking Aeor shit have extremely similar vibes.]
...I will tell you who, but only if you promise not to let them know I told you. I don't want them to feel harassed just because of me. Not... that you'd harass them, just... You know.
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... you can only be as prepared as you can be. For your sake, I hope you do. But I think at least you won't go out without your best effort. [ it's just that sometimes things are more powerful than your best effort.
he's fine moving away from this topic though for a moment. ]
Essek. What kind of a bartender do you think I am that would spill the things people have said to me in confidence?
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Well, [a short, quiet laugh,] I haven't been to very many taverns really.
[He is just kidding. Not about the bar virginity, but about giving Jonas some hell for being called out.]
I know. I'm just... I don't want to make it any harder for them. [Or for himself. It takes him a moment to look up, and then he looks away slightly anyway.] Aventurine, Wriothesley, and Childe.
[Why is it fucking Hoyoverses.]
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I get it. It's stuff between you guys, but... sometimes an outside perspective can help. [ except those sure are three names and he just sort of blinks slowly. ] ... wait all of them?
[ WHY IS IT FUCKING HOYOVERSES. ]
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His sigh in quiet, he glances back idly at his drink, studying the aesthetic liquid inside of it.]
Yes. They have their reasons, and I respect that. Aventurine is from the village. He is together with one of my friends I met there, one who happened to be a fellow traitor with the other three of us.
[Since, like, Jonas didn't know Aventurine from the start and they apparently have history. Yay...]
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And so obviously it's a little harder to do much of anything when the man's taken. Yeah, I get that. [ ... ] It's... I don't know. I've always sort of believed you can't help who you fall for, whether you want to avoid it or not. Sometimes the world just sucks that way where you meet the right people at the wrong times. It doesn't mean they're not still the right people, but it's hard to see just how right they could be when there're roadblocks.
Plus sometimes your relationships with your friends are far more important anyway.
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Well, if you ask Aventurine, he will gladly tell you that, "One day, you will find someone you are willing to risk it all for."
[He says this not as someone who doesn't necessarily believe it, but as someone who finds it wry to say this to a man they did not know was going to be rejected by two more people.]
I do appreciate my friends, yes. I... miss them actually. [A frown into the glass.] A lot more now than I realized.
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... it's been a long time since any of us have seen home. Of course you're going to miss what's most familiar.
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I know. After everything, it only feels as if they would offer... my life some normalcy, as ironic as it would be so say such... considering they are full of chaos.
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It's kind of why I'm ready to go home, I guess. I don't necessarily want to go back to how things were but I do think a reset's needed just to figure out what normal is anymore. Besides, I hink there's a difference between a loving chaos and a chaos that'll drive you insane in the worst ways. This place borders on the latter, like, all the time.
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You are at least right about that much.
[Not that Jonas isn't right about other things, too.]
I guess we have an end to see through, however. Maybe not the one we want, but one we will get anyway.
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We may not always get what we want, but we have a few days to figure out how to shape the end. Who knows? It might even surprise you in ways you weren't thinking.
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[Joking. Teasing really.]
I feel as if I should be telling you all something along these lines considering how your headspace seemed to be from what we all could see. And your letters, no less, before they stopped.
[He is still teasing somewhat. The vibes are mildly fond and worried even if there is a tsundere bite.]
I believe you, for the record.
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But... good. [ a little relief his message got across. ] I know it can be hard to picture but you know what they say. It isn't over until it's over.
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[He gets it. Also, they were coming back, so. It's fine. It worked out.]
So... About yourself. Care to explain how you have been?
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... not really, but I do know that's unfair when you just told me all of that. [ haha. ] I think... I just wanna go home. I'm tired of being here and I'm tired of screwing things up and I'm tired of thinking about losing people again. I don't think I really did all that much to contribute here because I didn't go through with a murder or anything for achievements and to be honest I think I'm just losing my mind a little. So. You know.
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[His mood slowly also drops, but not in a bad way. He is that dog looking into the mirror again, not for the first time these almost 8 weeks.
He frowns, understanding maybe more than Jonas could realize even if he extended the empathy. It's... familiar. Very familiar. Buddy.]
Will you come around here for a moment, Jonas.
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He turns around to face Jonas when Jonas comes to him. He doesn't get off the stool because he is short, so it's stupid. Instead, he can teach this way.
He just wraps his arms around Jonas's shoulders and pulls him into a hug. It's wildly shocking coming from someone like him, someone who was so cold and chilly, so distance, but he has been through a lot of shit which has maybe changed him.
The hug is tight, empathetic. Not pity.]
I understand, Jonas. I agree. I think, actually, I have said these very words to myself for the last several weeks. I miss Exandria, and I miss the Mighty Nein, and I miss... Scien, and Nehan, and Muelsyse, my friends from the village.
I want to go home.
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but he can at least return the gesture since he acknowledges it's not pity. ]
It feels... stupid to say it, I guess. Like everyone wants to go home, so why am I special, you know? You have your friends and other people have jobs and missions and other people just like where they're from. But I'm tired, I think? I don't want to do this anymore. [ i don't want to be alone either but it's probably for the best for a bit. ]
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Anyhow, he finally pulls back just enough to rest his hands on either side of Jonas's neck by the ears. He looks over Jonas's face studiously.]
I would be the first one to tell you there is nothing wrong in wanting to be by yourself doing not a thing important to any place in time. That's okay, Jonas.
I'm tired, too. I have been. I don't feel as if I have done anything of any merit here, and perhaps I am worse considering I was in such an elevated position before as a guide. What have I done? Died the first week and spent the remainder being teased about my feet and pursued by men who ultimately won't be apart of my life anymore after this probably.
I have made such a mess of myself here, I think. I'm ashamed of my behavior, of... thinking about these sorts of things - friends, kissing, relationships, whatever, over... the more important matters.
The end of this. The battle back home I might not survive. The fact I have done such awful things to people, to my country.
So I understand. I do.
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That's... exactly it. [ it's maybe a little alarming to him how he suddenly kind of wants to cry mostly because essek does hit on a crux of what the problem is and he's just glad to hear it said in a way he can grasp. ]
I do and I don't want to be by myself, but I have to go back anyway so I don't really get an option. I feel like... everyone has said I don't have to be responsible for everything here and I don't have to be God and I thought I was fine just trying to be Jonas again, but Jonas has fucked up some things that I don't think I can actually fix. I couldn't do everything I wanted to for people in Heaven's round and I couldn't do things for people in this round and I feel stupid trying to think about anything but this game. The whole point was to make sure we got the dead back and we earned our endings. I owed the guys from Heaven my best because they got dragged through the worst the first time, and instead I've let myself get distracted a lot. I don't regret meeting people and being around people and learning about them, but I think... I should have known better. What to prioritize and what to stop obsessing about. I should have been smarter instead of asking the same questions over and over again because it doesn't stick, I guess.
I have a lot to make up for, and every time I think about it I think about how things ended the first time and how I owe the future better. But also that I'm not qualified for this? People have said I'm the right person for the job, but... being here, I feel like I should've made better decisions. And I really only have myself to blame I guess.
[ except there's a weird bewildered sort of emotion. ]
Wait. Your feet? [ what in the fuck. ]
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Do not ask anything about my feet, young man. [LEAVE HIS FEET ALONEEEEEEE.] I wear toe rings, and I don't care about anyone's opinions on them.
[Anyway. He will release Jonas's nose and then pat his cheek softly. Careful of the bruise. Baby, why are you getting hit in the face. Stop.]
I think you are doing alright, Jonas. I think... despite how tired and insane we feel, we are both... somehow doing alright. The best we can.
A very good friend of mine told me once that I can be a better person. I can leave things better than the way I found them. And... he was right. Even me, even after what all I've done, is still have a chance... to leave things better than they were before.
You will, too. You wouldn't be so torn up about it if you couldn't. You would be like....... Scaramouche.
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