It's alright. I am giving you a hard time is all. Anders and I didn't have a lot of correspondence either. And I didn't write much this last week myself.
[He gets it. Also, they were coming back, so. It's fine. It worked out.]
So... About yourself. Care to explain how you have been?
I figured you guys were just as busy there as we were here. But at least this is way faster and more efficient. [ he seems to prefer face to face anyway, even if the prompt makes his expression fall a little. ]
... not really, but I do know that's unfair when you just told me all of that. [ haha. ] I think... I just wanna go home. I'm tired of being here and I'm tired of screwing things up and I'm tired of thinking about losing people again. I don't think I really did all that much to contribute here because I didn't go through with a murder or anything for achievements and to be honest I think I'm just losing my mind a little. So. You know.
[ the mood drop immediately gets a spike of discomfort from him because this is exactly why he doesn't actively tell people anything until he just kind of explodes. but he frowns and sets his glass down to come around from behind the bar. ]
He turns around to face Jonas when Jonas comes to him. He doesn't get off the stool because he is short, so it's stupid. Instead, he can teach this way.
He just wraps his arms around Jonas's shoulders and pulls him into a hug. It's wildly shocking coming from someone like him, someone who was so cold and chilly, so distance, but he has been through a lot of shit which has maybe changed him.
The hug is tight, empathetic. Not pity.]
I understand, Jonas. I agree. I think, actually, I have said these very words to myself for the last several weeks. I miss Exandria, and I miss the Mighty Nein, and I miss... Scien, and Nehan, and Muelsyse, my friends from the village.
[ this is wildly shocking actually, because essek always struck him as someone distant and a little pragmatic, more logical than emotional. not that there was anything wrong with that, and not that there's anything wrong with this. instead, the emotional blip is sort of a surprised little thing before it staggers out into just... sadness, probably, in a way of someone who has been lowkey depressed for longer than even they've noticed.
but he can at least return the gesture since he acknowledges it's not pity. ]
It feels... stupid to say it, I guess. Like everyone wants to go home, so why am I special, you know? You have your friends and other people have jobs and missions and other people just like where they're from. But I'm tired, I think? I don't want to do this anymore. [ i don't want to be alone either but it's probably for the best for a bit. ]
[Disney hugs Jonas. He has to let go first (no). But he does give Jonas a long, reassuring hug. My man... My man! Wait, he should have been gentle because Jonas probably hurts. Fuck.
Anyhow, he finally pulls back just enough to rest his hands on either side of Jonas's neck by the ears. He looks over Jonas's face studiously.]
I would be the first one to tell you there is nothing wrong in wanting to be by yourself doing not a thing important to any place in time. That's okay, Jonas.
I'm tired, too. I have been. I don't feel as if I have done anything of any merit here, and perhaps I am worse considering I was in such an elevated position before as a guide. What have I done? Died the first week and spent the remainder being teased about my feet and pursued by men who ultimately won't be apart of my life anymore after this probably.
I have made such a mess of myself here, I think. I'm ashamed of my behavior, of... thinking about these sorts of things - friends, kissing, relationships, whatever, over... the more important matters.
The end of this. The battle back home I might not survive. The fact I have done such awful things to people, to my country.
[ thinks about crau2 where jason was cursed as shit and just picked nico up to hug him forever like a sad cat. same vibe i suppose. he doesn't seem to be hurting too much now, mostly just last-healing wounds and soreness, so he just sort of stays here. he also doesn't seem to mind where essek's hands go, tired gaze following. this close up it's likely easier to see the fading bruising on his face and the fact he probably hasn't slept in days, but you know. ]
That's... exactly it. [ it's maybe a little alarming to him how he suddenly kind of wants to cry mostly because essek does hit on a crux of what the problem is and he's just glad to hear it said in a way he can grasp. ]
I do and I don't want to be by myself, but I have to go back anyway so I don't really get an option. I feel like... everyone has said I don't have to be responsible for everything here and I don't have to be God and I thought I was fine just trying to be Jonas again, but Jonas has fucked up some things that I don't think I can actually fix. I couldn't do everything I wanted to for people in Heaven's round and I couldn't do things for people in this round and I feel stupid trying to think about anything but this game. The whole point was to make sure we got the dead back and we earned our endings. I owed the guys from Heaven my best because they got dragged through the worst the first time, and instead I've let myself get distracted a lot. I don't regret meeting people and being around people and learning about them, but I think... I should have known better. What to prioritize and what to stop obsessing about. I should have been smarter instead of asking the same questions over and over again because it doesn't stick, I guess.
I have a lot to make up for, and every time I think about it I think about how things ended the first time and how I owe the future better. But also that I'm not qualified for this? People have said I'm the right person for the job, but... being here, I feel like I should've made better decisions. And I really only have myself to blame I guess.
[ except there's a weird bewildered sort of emotion. ]
[Immediately grabs a big ol' hold of Jonas's nose and honks and shakes it gently.]
Do not ask anything about my feet, young man. [LEAVE HIS FEET ALONEEEEEEE.] I wear toe rings, and I don't care about anyone's opinions on them.
[Anyway. He will release Jonas's nose and then pat his cheek softly. Careful of the bruise. Baby, why are you getting hit in the face. Stop.]
I think you are doing alright, Jonas. I think... despite how tired and insane we feel, we are both... somehow doing alright. The best we can.
A very good friend of mine told me once that I can be a better person. I can leave things better than the way I found them. And... he was right. Even me, even after what all I've done, is still have a chance... to leave things better than they were before.
You will, too. You wouldn't be so torn up about it if you couldn't. You would be like....... Scaramouche.
You sent enough toe rings to Childe. [ he is just out here saying this, but he allows the cheek pap. sometimes you're a pathetic sad sack who will take whatever affection is given. ]
... someone once told me that your best can look different on different days. It's hard to remember that, sometimes, but I do try to. I like the idea of leaving things better the way than we found them. That's... what I wanted from my project. I wanted to give them a chance to be better than how I found them, but they did most of the work. I just gave them time and advice when they chose to ask me. Here, it's... debatable. But I hope maybe there's even one thing made better.
[ there's a little laugh to that though. ]
He's really not that bad. I think I understand him a little better than some of the other people I've spoken to here. But I get your point.
[Look. Don't judge him for the toe rings. They are very cute. AND they can be worn in normal shoes, it only matters when you take the shoes off. He stands by this. No pun intended.]
The tables really have turned for us, haven't they?
[Two sad, exploding sacks of former NPCs now forced to be participants in fuckwad games.]
It isn't we don't get along, but he's a little much.
[Just saying. He knows Jonas understands. He gives Jonas's shoulder a squeeze, and then brings his arms back.]
[ anna why on earth would you wear a toe ring inside a normal shoe what the fuck are you saying. ]
For the record, I have no idea if he wore them. [ and he doesn't want to know! but... ah. ] ... in a way, I am kind of glad that this happened so that I can understand what it was really like for them. But in another way, I feel even less qualified for this than I did anything else.
[ but he does understand. acquired tastes and all... but he appreciates the lil squeeze and he looks at essek for a moment before he leans across the counter to grab his glass, pulling it closer and having a seat at the bar itself. we can hang out 🥺 ]
... a few of the participants used to ask me to come sit on this side with them when they got tired of me keeping my distance.
[He doesn't take his nipple rings out just because he is wearing clothes? Same idea.
ALSO SWEET BOY!!!! JONAS!!! Jason would pick you up off the ground and hug you. 🥺 Essek seems amused, but not against hanging out on this side together. He turns back around to face the bar and his drink.]
I agree. I have been humbled.
[It has been rough, but he has been humbled so much. Again.]
It sounds as if you had a Mighty Nein of your own.
[ i read this sentence this morning and hated it then, and i still hate it now. thank you jason, but for now we have essek and he seems more than okay with that. ]
That's what you call them as a collective? [ he doesn't agree about being humbled or not, but the vibe is very much "yes." ] I made some friends in Heaven that I'd like to see again someday. But I think that's a little different. We aren't traveling together or staying together or anything.
It's the name they chose for themselves. The Mighty Nein.
[He played not a single part in that endearing idiocy.]
It's less about the travel and more about... a group of somehow charming morons who have whittled your usual solitude down until you realize you miss their presence when they are away.
Long before you then. [ funny. also... yeah, he can understand the vibe. ] I guess I had a few of them, yeah. But it wasn't like they could stay anyway. The whole point was to send them back.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[He gets it. Also, they were coming back, so. It's fine. It worked out.]
So... About yourself. Care to explain how you have been?
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... not really, but I do know that's unfair when you just told me all of that. [ haha. ] I think... I just wanna go home. I'm tired of being here and I'm tired of screwing things up and I'm tired of thinking about losing people again. I don't think I really did all that much to contribute here because I didn't go through with a murder or anything for achievements and to be honest I think I'm just losing my mind a little. So. You know.
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[His mood slowly also drops, but not in a bad way. He is that dog looking into the mirror again, not for the first time these almost 8 weeks.
He frowns, understanding maybe more than Jonas could realize even if he extended the empathy. It's... familiar. Very familiar. Buddy.]
Will you come around here for a moment, Jonas.
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He turns around to face Jonas when Jonas comes to him. He doesn't get off the stool because he is short, so it's stupid. Instead, he can teach this way.
He just wraps his arms around Jonas's shoulders and pulls him into a hug. It's wildly shocking coming from someone like him, someone who was so cold and chilly, so distance, but he has been through a lot of shit which has maybe changed him.
The hug is tight, empathetic. Not pity.]
I understand, Jonas. I agree. I think, actually, I have said these very words to myself for the last several weeks. I miss Exandria, and I miss the Mighty Nein, and I miss... Scien, and Nehan, and Muelsyse, my friends from the village.
I want to go home.
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but he can at least return the gesture since he acknowledges it's not pity. ]
It feels... stupid to say it, I guess. Like everyone wants to go home, so why am I special, you know? You have your friends and other people have jobs and missions and other people just like where they're from. But I'm tired, I think? I don't want to do this anymore. [ i don't want to be alone either but it's probably for the best for a bit. ]
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Anyhow, he finally pulls back just enough to rest his hands on either side of Jonas's neck by the ears. He looks over Jonas's face studiously.]
I would be the first one to tell you there is nothing wrong in wanting to be by yourself doing not a thing important to any place in time. That's okay, Jonas.
I'm tired, too. I have been. I don't feel as if I have done anything of any merit here, and perhaps I am worse considering I was in such an elevated position before as a guide. What have I done? Died the first week and spent the remainder being teased about my feet and pursued by men who ultimately won't be apart of my life anymore after this probably.
I have made such a mess of myself here, I think. I'm ashamed of my behavior, of... thinking about these sorts of things - friends, kissing, relationships, whatever, over... the more important matters.
The end of this. The battle back home I might not survive. The fact I have done such awful things to people, to my country.
So I understand. I do.
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That's... exactly it. [ it's maybe a little alarming to him how he suddenly kind of wants to cry mostly because essek does hit on a crux of what the problem is and he's just glad to hear it said in a way he can grasp. ]
I do and I don't want to be by myself, but I have to go back anyway so I don't really get an option. I feel like... everyone has said I don't have to be responsible for everything here and I don't have to be God and I thought I was fine just trying to be Jonas again, but Jonas has fucked up some things that I don't think I can actually fix. I couldn't do everything I wanted to for people in Heaven's round and I couldn't do things for people in this round and I feel stupid trying to think about anything but this game. The whole point was to make sure we got the dead back and we earned our endings. I owed the guys from Heaven my best because they got dragged through the worst the first time, and instead I've let myself get distracted a lot. I don't regret meeting people and being around people and learning about them, but I think... I should have known better. What to prioritize and what to stop obsessing about. I should have been smarter instead of asking the same questions over and over again because it doesn't stick, I guess.
I have a lot to make up for, and every time I think about it I think about how things ended the first time and how I owe the future better. But also that I'm not qualified for this? People have said I'm the right person for the job, but... being here, I feel like I should've made better decisions. And I really only have myself to blame I guess.
[ except there's a weird bewildered sort of emotion. ]
Wait. Your feet? [ what in the fuck. ]
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Do not ask anything about my feet, young man. [LEAVE HIS FEET ALONEEEEEEE.] I wear toe rings, and I don't care about anyone's opinions on them.
[Anyway. He will release Jonas's nose and then pat his cheek softly. Careful of the bruise. Baby, why are you getting hit in the face. Stop.]
I think you are doing alright, Jonas. I think... despite how tired and insane we feel, we are both... somehow doing alright. The best we can.
A very good friend of mine told me once that I can be a better person. I can leave things better than the way I found them. And... he was right. Even me, even after what all I've done, is still have a chance... to leave things better than they were before.
You will, too. You wouldn't be so torn up about it if you couldn't. You would be like....... Scaramouche.
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You sent enough toe rings to Childe. [ he is just out here saying this, but he allows the cheek pap. sometimes you're a pathetic sad sack who will take whatever affection is given. ]
... someone once told me that your best can look different on different days. It's hard to remember that, sometimes, but I do try to. I like the idea of leaving things better the way than we found them. That's... what I wanted from my project. I wanted to give them a chance to be better than how I found them, but they did most of the work. I just gave them time and advice when they chose to ask me. Here, it's... debatable. But I hope maybe there's even one thing made better.
[ there's a little laugh to that though. ]
He's really not that bad. I think I understand him a little better than some of the other people I've spoken to here. But I get your point.
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[Look. Don't judge him for the toe rings. They are very cute. AND they can be worn in normal shoes, it only matters when you take the shoes off. He stands by this. No pun intended.]
The tables really have turned for us, haven't they?
[Two sad, exploding sacks of former NPCs now forced to be participants in fuckwad games.]
It isn't we don't get along, but he's a little much.
[Just saying. He knows Jonas understands. He gives Jonas's shoulder a squeeze, and then brings his arms back.]
You can go have your drink now.
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For the record, I have no idea if he wore them. [ and he doesn't want to know! but... ah. ] ... in a way, I am kind of glad that this happened so that I can understand what it was really like for them. But in another way, I feel even less qualified for this than I did anything else.
[ but he does understand. acquired tastes and all... but he appreciates the lil squeeze and he looks at essek for a moment before he leans across the counter to grab his glass, pulling it closer and having a seat at the bar itself. we can hang out 🥺 ]
... a few of the participants used to ask me to come sit on this side with them when they got tired of me keeping my distance.
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ALSO SWEET BOY!!!! JONAS!!! Jason would pick you up off the ground and hug you. 🥺 Essek seems amused, but not against hanging out on this side together. He turns back around to face the bar and his drink.]
I agree. I have been humbled.
[It has been rough, but he has been humbled so much. Again.]
It sounds as if you had a Mighty Nein of your own.
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That's what you call them as a collective? [ he doesn't agree about being humbled or not, but the vibe is very much "yes." ] I made some friends in Heaven that I'd like to see again someday. But I think that's a little different. We aren't traveling together or staying together or anything.
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[He played not a single part in that endearing idiocy.]
It's less about the travel and more about... a group of somehow charming morons who have whittled your usual solitude down until you realize you miss their presence when they are away.
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