For some bizarre reason, he doesn't at all think Childe is going to kiss him, so he kind of just allows it to happen. He thinks - what? Childe is going to inspect his face? Leaning in like that?
It startles him, but he doesn't jerk back, simply hovers there in the same stupid place like a giant idiot, expression owlish, thoughts first nothing but the static buzz of a television with no signal and then a jumbled mess of all kinds of unintelligible thoughts. HE'S STILL HOLDING CHILDE'S HAND.]
Are you... cursed?
[Since this will decide whether or not his face is about to turn into a plum.]
[HELLO??? STOP THIS WHAT IS HAPPENING. Look, being cursed IS REAL. Why does he sound SO SURE??? Buddy, are you sure you're not cursed to hell and back by a weird cyoa effect?
He thinks you are.]
What is it you think I forgot? [What the fck is he talking about?] What happened?
[The way he still has not a) let go of Childe's hand, or b) stopped being leaned in and hovering.]
Unfortunately the fact that he is still close and hasn't let go eases some of the tension in Childe's body, as though he was expecting him to pull away, or vanish, or something. He'll lean back against the pillows, at least, but he laces their fingers together like it's something he's done a thousand times.]
It was so long ago now... [HE'S BEEN GONE FOR LIKE A DAY.] I couldn't tell you how long, not with the way time passes down there. It was safer there, after the war. Away from Celestia. But... you weren't happy. So you left.
...It's alright, though. I knew I couldn't be enough for you. I didn't want you trapped there like me anyway.
[Okay this is clearly nonsense information so Essek can have a memshare--of endless white fog, stretching as far as the eye can see. Of walking, and walking, and slowly losing his sense of self. Of eventually finding himself going through lifetime after lifetime, hundreds of years' worth--some of them with Essek, some not; in these memories, they are often friends, though not always. Sometimes they're more, and sometimes they're enemies. Many of these lives have Kate and Ylfa, and a couple of them have whatever the fuck this thing is, but far more are filled with faces of people who look very similar to Childe. Siblings, parents.
These lives are widely varied, but one thing is the same: they are all rife with suffering, whether that's bloodshed, hatred, or loss. Not a single one ends happily.
When it ends, Childe lifts his free hand to his forehead, frowning and rubbing at it like he has a headache. That was a weird dream.]
It dawns on him after seeing this that this must be what consecution is like. He has never been consecuted with any Luxon beacon, but no one knows this except him. The divine right of passage of his most prominent people: tethering their souls to one of the beacons so when they die, they are reincarnated into a nearby baby and begin another life, remembering their previous ones only after a certain time.
In all honesty, it horrifies and saddens him. So many lives - some together with people, some not. The madness he is seeing in Childe is funny, though he wouldn't have ever known because his own mother hides it from him. This the same madness ultimately plaguing the Umavi, the people who go through so many lives they reach the ideal of being a "perfect soul."]
It's okay. You should get some rest.
[He turns enough to let him sit on the edge of where Childe is, keeping Childe's hand in his lap.]
His smile is tight and wry. He looks away as if thoughtful about the idiotic place he is in, but maybe it's more to hide how bad it feels to receive these things knowing the other person is cursed.]
It's alright, but... I would rather be home, I think.
[He means Exandria really, but he guesses this will seem to Childe like he means their home. That's fine.]
[Looking away means that Essek misses the flash of hope in Childe's eyes; it vanishes quickly, as though he's long since used to talking himself out of it. But his grip on Essek's hand does tighten a little, his thumb brushing over one of the rings I assume Essek wears, or at least his knuckles if not.]
...Right. With your brother. [Perhaps a true memory, perhaps an assumption? Hard to say. He takes a shallow breath.] I hate to ask, but did you... visit the graves at all?
[Sorry for the brief thoughtshare of bloody hands and murdered parents Essek you don't deserve this]
He puts his other hand on top of Childe's, but doesn't stop Childe's from rubbing his. The mention of his brother makes him glance up, and the thoughtshare startles him a little.
He imagines that is what happened to his own father probably.
Now he is stuck - what answer does he give, being curious yet knowing if he says the wrong thing it may disappoint or hurt Childe's scrambled mind.]
Sometimes... [???] You... What have you been doing with yourself?
[Something something abandonment issues that you don't realize you have because you are self-aware of your own insanity. Don't worry about it.
Apparently "sometimes" is good enough, since Childe doesn't look dissatisfied with that answer.]
Just training, mostly... trying to stay alive. [There's a wry smile, like this is funny for some reason.] The Order's been too distracted to try and hunt me down for a while, so I've been alright.
Gently, he strokes at Childe's hand, almost reassuringly. He offers a small smile, awkward for him knowing Childe might be a little wtf when this hopefully clears up.]
I'm glad. It's good to see you again. I wish it was under better circumstances. Are you sure you feel okay? You should be resting. I won't go anywhere.
[HE FEELS BAD!!! His violet eyes look over Childe's face momentarily. Then he reaches out to fix some of Childe's front pieces of hair. Okay, crazy ass with abandonment issues.]
You worried me.
[This is earnest, at least, and not some awkward attempt at skiing through a make believe conversation.]
Here. [He stands up only so he can remove his shoes and climb up to lounge beside Childe without bothering Childe too much.] I'll be right here.
[Maybe he'll feel less bad when he hears that half of Childe's AUs involved pizzerias and a situationship with Bestia and several crashed weddings and getting thrown in the dungeons for treason because of soup
But really--later, when he's not quite so insane, he'll apologize for this. Essek's earned that much sincerity from him, and for all his many, many flaws, Childe tries not to hurt the people he likes. It's why he'll wait until he's absolutely sure that the effects have worn off before he even tries to make up for this; there's no point in destroying his own efforts with a relapse into insanity.
For now, though, he is still very much in the thick of it, so he doesn't flinch away. Instead, he does the opposite, watching Essek with dark eyes. Essek may try to politely leave room between them, but with Childe's false centuries and whatever life he thinks they've shared, he has no such qualms; he shifts onto his side, throwing an arm across him and resting his head against him. ESSEK YOU ARE SO SHORT... I THINK ABOUT IT.
Quietly--]
Thank you.
[For more than simply promising to stay, though he doesn't specify exactly what.]
[My guy in Christ, you are cursed, and he understands regardless of whatever awkwardness it made in the current situation. He stayed, didn't he? It's almost like Childe means a good deal to him, or something...
He was content with shoulders and arms touching, not for his discomfort, but so Childe wouldn't HURT, but OKAY!!! Yes, he is a short king. His feet probably only touch Childe's calves, or something. The closeness makes him shy, so thankfully the real Childe isn't here to tease him about it.
AND YEAH LISTEN why would he care about his injuries when he can have this instead? Though, granted, it takes a little adjusting, like it's been an extremely long time since he's been this close to someone and he doesn't quite remember how to manage it. But he's exhausted enough to not fidget too much, and definitely too exhausted to tease. Funnily enough, under normal circumstances, it would take a lot more for him to doze off around anyone here--but right now, he does so with little difficulty.]
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For some bizarre reason, he doesn't at all think Childe is going to kiss him, so he kind of just allows it to happen. He thinks - what? Childe is going to inspect his face? Leaning in like that?
It startles him, but he doesn't jerk back, simply hovers there in the same stupid place like a giant idiot, expression owlish, thoughts first nothing but the static buzz of a television with no signal and then a jumbled mess of all kinds of unintelligible thoughts. HE'S STILL HOLDING CHILDE'S HAND.]
Are you... cursed?
[Since this will decide whether or not his face is about to turn into a plum.]
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Anyway THE WAY ESSEK IS ASKING HIM THIS AFTER A CYOA IS SO FUNNY. Childe shakes his head.]
No. [HE SOUNDS QUITE SURE... IS THAT GOOD OR BAD.] But... I wasn't sure you'd remember.
[What is he even talking about.]
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He thinks you are.]
What is it you think I forgot? [What the fck is he talking about?] What happened?
[The way he still has not a) let go of Childe's hand, or b) stopped being leaned in and hovering.]
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Unfortunately the fact that he is still close and hasn't let go eases some of the tension in Childe's body, as though he was expecting him to pull away, or vanish, or something. He'll lean back against the pillows, at least, but he laces their fingers together like it's something he's done a thousand times.]
It was so long ago now... [HE'S BEEN GONE FOR LIKE A DAY.] I couldn't tell you how long, not with the way time passes down there. It was safer there, after the war. Away from Celestia. But... you weren't happy. So you left.
...It's alright, though. I knew I couldn't be enough for you. I didn't want you trapped there like me anyway.
[Okay this is clearly nonsense information so Essek can have a memshare--of endless white fog, stretching as far as the eye can see. Of walking, and walking, and slowly losing his sense of self. Of eventually finding himself going through lifetime after lifetime, hundreds of years' worth--some of them with Essek, some not; in these memories, they are often friends, though not always. Sometimes they're more, and sometimes they're enemies. Many of these lives have Kate and Ylfa, and a couple of them have whatever the fuck this thing is, but far more are filled with faces of people who look very similar to Childe. Siblings, parents.
These lives are widely varied, but one thing is the same: they are all rife with suffering, whether that's bloodshed, hatred, or loss. Not a single one ends happily.
When it ends, Childe lifts his free hand to his forehead, frowning and rubbing at it like he has a headache. That was a weird dream.]
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It dawns on him after seeing this that this must be what consecution is like. He has never been consecuted with any Luxon beacon, but no one knows this except him. The divine right of passage of his most prominent people: tethering their souls to one of the beacons so when they die, they are reincarnated into a nearby baby and begin another life, remembering their previous ones only after a certain time.
In all honesty, it horrifies and saddens him. So many lives - some together with people, some not. The madness he is seeing in Childe is funny, though he wouldn't have ever known because his own mother hides it from him. This the same madness ultimately plaguing the Umavi, the people who go through so many lives they reach the ideal of being a "perfect soul."]
It's okay. You should get some rest.
[He turns enough to let him sit on the edge of where Childe is, keeping Childe's hand in his lap.]
I'll stay here.
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He shakes his head slightly, oblivious to these thoughts.]
No... I want to talk to you. [I missed you.] What have you been doing on the surface? Do you like it here? In this...
[Looks around............. watches a lobster nurse walk by.]
...place?
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[Hei and Jacopo did this.
His smile is tight and wry. He looks away as if thoughtful about the idiotic place he is in, but maybe it's more to hide how bad it feels to receive these things knowing the other person is cursed.]
It's alright, but... I would rather be home, I think.
[He means Exandria really, but he guesses this will seem to Childe like he means their home. That's fine.]
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...Right. With your brother. [Perhaps a true memory, perhaps an assumption? Hard to say. He takes a shallow breath.] I hate to ask, but did you... visit the graves at all?
[Sorry for the brief thoughtshare of bloody hands and murdered parents Essek you don't deserve this]
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He puts his other hand on top of Childe's, but doesn't stop Childe's from rubbing his. The mention of his brother makes him glance up, and the thoughtshare startles him a little.
He imagines that is what happened to his own father probably.
Now he is stuck - what answer does he give, being curious yet knowing if he says the wrong thing it may disappoint or hurt Childe's scrambled mind.]
Sometimes... [???] You... What have you been doing with yourself?
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Apparently "sometimes" is good enough, since Childe doesn't look dissatisfied with that answer.]
Just training, mostly... trying to stay alive. [There's a wry smile, like this is funny for some reason.] The Order's been too distracted to try and hunt me down for a while, so I've been alright.
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Gently, he strokes at Childe's hand, almost reassuringly. He offers a small smile, awkward for him knowing Childe might be a little wtf when this hopefully clears up.]
I'm glad. It's good to see you again. I wish it was under better circumstances. Are you sure you feel okay? You should be resting. I won't go anywhere.
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Childe looks a little uncertain, but no version of this man would ever ask someone not to leave him out loud, and he also truly is exhausted, so--]
...Alright, if you're sure.
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You worried me.
[This is earnest, at least, and not some awkward attempt at skiing through a make believe conversation.]
Here. [He stands up only so he can remove his shoes and climb up to lounge beside Childe without bothering Childe too much.] I'll be right here.
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But really--later, when he's not quite so insane, he'll apologize for this. Essek's earned that much sincerity from him, and for all his many, many flaws, Childe tries not to hurt the people he likes. It's why he'll wait until he's absolutely sure that the effects have worn off before he even tries to make up for this; there's no point in destroying his own efforts with a relapse into insanity.
For now, though, he is still very much in the thick of it, so he doesn't flinch away. Instead, he does the opposite, watching Essek with dark eyes. Essek may try to politely leave room between them, but with Childe's false centuries and whatever life he thinks they've shared, he has no such qualms; he shifts onto his side, throwing an arm across him and resting his head against him. ESSEK YOU ARE SO SHORT... I THINK ABOUT IT.
Quietly--]
Thank you.
[For more than simply promising to stay, though he doesn't specify exactly what.]
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He was content with shoulders and arms touching, not for his discomfort, but so Childe wouldn't HURT, but OKAY!!! Yes, he is a short king. His feet probably only touch Childe's calves, or something. The closeness makes him shy, so thankfully the real Childe isn't here to tease him about it.
He puts his arm over Childe's arm.]
You're welcome.
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AND YEAH LISTEN why would he care about his injuries when he can have this instead? Though, granted, it takes a little adjusting, like it's been an extremely long time since he's been this close to someone and he doesn't quite remember how to manage it. But he's exhausted enough to not fidget too much, and definitely too exhausted to tease. Funnily enough, under normal circumstances, it would take a lot more for him to doze off around anyone here--but right now, he does so with little difficulty.]
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Anyway, he fixes Childe's hair again after Childe is asleep so that he cannot be made fun of for it, goodbye.]
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