[Well, he's mostly courteous enough not to rudely point out emotionshare, even if he isn't above using it to guide the flow of conversation--but this reaction is strong enough to give him pause. He hasn't made much of an effort to keep his own emotions under wraps, since he doesn't have much to hide from Essek, but they fade a little now, even though his tone of voice sounds just as easy as before.]
...We can talk about something else, if I'm upsetting you. [That kind of defeats the purpose of this dinner, after all.]
[Childe is so kind for a man who does not mind the strengthening of bloodshed. He offers a tight, wry smile across the table, looking and feeling apologetic for the stupid week's effect.]
I'm sorry I chose such an awkward time for dinner. That was my mistake.
[He puts his spoon down so he can wipe his mouth politely. The emotions trickling out of him are a melting pot of an attempt to be honest, of closely guarded secrets, of the relief of understanding - or thinking he understands - Childe wouldn't judge him for them.]
You aren't upsetting me. There is... [The hesitation of trying to figure out how to say what he wants.] Well, you've seen a little of him. Back home... Caleb. He became like... a student of mine; he was interested in dunamancy. Anyhow... We have grown a little closer. There isn't anything between us, but... there could be, in the future, I suppose. Not much different than some here.
I feel incredibly foolish doing a lot of this knowing... it takes a lot of time for me. Knowing I perhaps may not see anyone here ever again, depending. Knowing I may likely be dead not long after I return home. Knowing Caleb... Well, I understand his interest is there. I'm not looking to hurt or humiliate him, or Anders, or you.
--Not that this is meant to be anything more necessarily. I mean--anyway. I just feel I should be more upfront is all.
[LISTEN... SOMETIMES THESE THINGS COEXIST OKAY!!! Sometimes you're just a fairly normal guy who is also insane. Anyway he instantly judges Essek for seducing his student and goes to tumblr to cancel him.
IMAGINE. No--to the first, he simply shakes his head slightly; for all they know, next week's effect could be even worse. Though maybe that's his bias, since he's not the one with his complicated feelings laid bare right now.]
You shouldn't feel foolish for doing what you want. [He smiles a little, and for once, there's a flicker in his own emotions, though it's gone very quickly.] Not with me, at least. I'm dead, remember? Even if I say I don't plan on staying in hell forever, there's no telling when I'll find a way out. ...Honestly, I wondered if you forgot about that, and you'd change your mind about our plans once you remembered.
[To say nothing of after--because even if, by some fluke, Childe had the choice between tracking down Essek or going home, he'd make the same decision every time. More than Alex, more than the Tsaritsa, his loyalty is to his family. A couple of years of death can't change that.]
I can't speak for the others, obviously. I don't know your friend, and I think Anders would rather go through a year of these games than talk about his feelings with me. [There's a little humor, there, because he is always so violently himself,,, but at least it's not too mocking.] But you were clear with me about what this is. And... trust is something that takes time for me too, but even if it wasn't, I never expected anything more than a chance to enjoy some time with you before this is over.
[He does not say that he isn't sure why he even admitted his interest in the first place--HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT ALPHA WEEK IS, he just knows it was out-of-character for him. But it would've been stupid and pointless to try and take it back, so... here they are. It's not out of any sense of low self-esteem, just... an awareness, maybe. Of who he is, and what it means to be with him. Of the fact that very few people, if any, would truly be happy at his side.
He reaches for his glass again, though he doesn't take another drink, just holds it loosely.]
But I don't think you should hold yourself back--whether that's here, or at home. You don't know what will happen--so isn't that all the more reason to live your life to the fullest? [Pauses. Amends, with a small smile--] In a manner of speaking.
[Okay, well. There is some relief that slowly eases in. The jumble of anxiety which most people never see a whole lot of lessens.]
I didn't forget.
[He also had his own issues to worry about, as Childe now sees. Being dead, perhaps being dead in the future of a timeline. Who knows what will happen to any of them here? Maybe the dead will be stuck dead and in this airport forever. What then?
Regardless, he lives for a very long time. And yet, everyone here has their own desired lives. Their own duties.]
Thank you. For understanding. I don't think I can convey how appreciative I am.
[He manages a small smile, half wry. Childe can probably tell. The relief settles into something that is fond in a certain type of way--not love necessarily, but a kind of deep-rooted camaraderie. Of course Childe would say something like this to him.]
And for dinner, of course. It's very good for a supposed dead man.
I'm a little worried about the experiences you've had if something this simple seems impressive.
[Okay that's mostly lighthearted--but it's true that he doesn't think he's saying anything special enough to warrant this level of gratitude. It would make him feel a little shy, if he were still capable of such a thing.
He could tease Essek, tell him to be more confident in his popularity--but he's not so immature that he can't tell when being a brat is the wrong move. So instead, he just grins, reaching over again to put more food on Essek's plate. Perhaps this is his master plan to make Essek grow big and strong...]
Haha, I'm glad you like it. Alex is terrible about her meals, so I got back into the habit once I started working for her.
[His laugh is a quiet huff in his throat. Sometimes, you are a neutral evil antagonist with no friends for most of your life, so you simply assume people will not be very kind to you.
When they are empathetic, it's surprising.]
You fall very easily back into the brotherly role.
[IT'S VERY FUNNY. He will have more soup while Childe continues to fatten him up by adding food to his plate. He doesn't mind.]
I suppose I am just surprised to find someone who balances taking care of family and aspirations. At least, in theory when unable in practice. It's difficult... to do both. For me anyway.
[IT'S FINE... RELATABLE... unfortunately for everyone, even being hated by the majority of the world can't stop Childe from deciding he likes someone and treating them like a friend. Even more unfortunately, viewing someone as a friend does not mean he won't stab them if needed. The evil-alignment life.]
Haha, I think "balance" is a little generous for what I do--did. [He never balanced it well at all, actually, but he doesn't say that.] ...Nothing will change the fact that I chose my ambitions over staying home with them. So the least I could do was make sure they knew I didn't love them any less for it.
[There's more to it than that, but... ultimately, as far as Childe is concerned, that's what it comes down to.]
[Mmm... his smile turns a little wry, at that, and something complicated seeps through his emotions, though it's gone again quickly enough, replaced by an old sort of acceptance. Resignation, almost.]
Even if they don't, it's fine as long as they're safe and happy. My parents are getting older now, so I don't want them to worry about my siblings being provided for. I don't need to be home to make sure they have what they need, and I don't need half the money I have anyway.
[Sometimes you are just obnoxiously rich so you use it to spoil your family... it happens]
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...We can talk about something else, if I'm upsetting you. [That kind of defeats the purpose of this dinner, after all.]
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I'm sorry I chose such an awkward time for dinner. That was my mistake.
[He puts his spoon down so he can wipe his mouth politely. The emotions trickling out of him are a melting pot of an attempt to be honest, of closely guarded secrets, of the relief of understanding - or thinking he understands - Childe wouldn't judge him for them.]
You aren't upsetting me. There is... [The hesitation of trying to figure out how to say what he wants.] Well, you've seen a little of him. Back home... Caleb. He became like... a student of mine; he was interested in dunamancy. Anyhow... We have grown a little closer. There isn't anything between us, but... there could be, in the future, I suppose. Not much different than some here.
I feel incredibly foolish doing a lot of this knowing... it takes a lot of time for me. Knowing I perhaps may not see anyone here ever again, depending. Knowing I may likely be dead not long after I return home. Knowing Caleb... Well, I understand his interest is there. I'm not looking to hurt or humiliate him, or Anders, or you.
--Not that this is meant to be anything more necessarily. I mean--anyway. I just feel I should be more upfront is all.
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IMAGINE. No--to the first, he simply shakes his head slightly; for all they know, next week's effect could be even worse. Though maybe that's his bias, since he's not the one with his complicated feelings laid bare right now.]
You shouldn't feel foolish for doing what you want. [He smiles a little, and for once, there's a flicker in his own emotions, though it's gone very quickly.] Not with me, at least. I'm dead, remember? Even if I say I don't plan on staying in hell forever, there's no telling when I'll find a way out. ...Honestly, I wondered if you forgot about that, and you'd change your mind about our plans once you remembered.
[To say nothing of after--because even if, by some fluke, Childe had the choice between tracking down Essek or going home, he'd make the same decision every time. More than Alex, more than the Tsaritsa, his loyalty is to his family. A couple of years of death can't change that.]
I can't speak for the others, obviously. I don't know your friend, and I think Anders would rather go through a year of these games than talk about his feelings with me. [There's a little humor, there, because he is always so violently himself,,, but at least it's not too mocking.] But you were clear with me about what this is. And... trust is something that takes time for me too, but even if it wasn't, I never expected anything more than a chance to enjoy some time with you before this is over.
[He does not say that he isn't sure why he even admitted his interest in the first place--HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT ALPHA WEEK IS, he just knows it was out-of-character for him. But it would've been stupid and pointless to try and take it back, so... here they are. It's not out of any sense of low self-esteem, just... an awareness, maybe. Of who he is, and what it means to be with him. Of the fact that very few people, if any, would truly be happy at his side.
He reaches for his glass again, though he doesn't take another drink, just holds it loosely.]
But I don't think you should hold yourself back--whether that's here, or at home. You don't know what will happen--so isn't that all the more reason to live your life to the fullest? [Pauses. Amends, with a small smile--] In a manner of speaking.
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I didn't forget.
[He also had his own issues to worry about, as Childe now sees. Being dead, perhaps being dead in the future of a timeline. Who knows what will happen to any of them here? Maybe the dead will be stuck dead and in this airport forever. What then?
Regardless, he lives for a very long time. And yet, everyone here has their own desired lives. Their own duties.]
Thank you. For understanding. I don't think I can convey how appreciative I am.
[He manages a small smile, half wry. Childe can probably tell. The relief settles into something that is fond in a certain type of way--not love necessarily, but a kind of deep-rooted camaraderie. Of course Childe would say something like this to him.]
And for dinner, of course. It's very good for a supposed dead man.
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[Okay that's mostly lighthearted--but it's true that he doesn't think he's saying anything special enough to warrant this level of gratitude. It would make him feel a little shy, if he were still capable of such a thing.
He could tease Essek, tell him to be more confident in his popularity--but he's not so immature that he can't tell when being a brat is the wrong move. So instead, he just grins, reaching over again to put more food on Essek's plate. Perhaps this is his master plan to make Essek grow big and strong...]
Haha, I'm glad you like it. Alex is terrible about her meals, so I got back into the habit once I started working for her.
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When they are empathetic, it's surprising.]
You fall very easily back into the brotherly role.
[IT'S VERY FUNNY. He will have more soup while Childe continues to fatten him up by adding food to his plate. He doesn't mind.]
I suppose I am just surprised to find someone who balances taking care of family and aspirations. At least, in theory when unable in practice. It's difficult... to do both. For me anyway.
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Haha, I think "balance" is a little generous for what I do--did. [He never balanced it well at all, actually, but he doesn't say that.] ...Nothing will change the fact that I chose my ambitions over staying home with them. So the least I could do was make sure they knew I didn't love them any less for it.
[There's more to it than that, but... ultimately, as far as Childe is concerned, that's what it comes down to.]
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You tried, at least. Some people can't even say that much.
[But he gets it, both the trying and the difficulty. The fact that he, too, chose ambition over family. The vibe is definitely understanding.]
I think they understood. Even if it seems like they may hurt, I think, regardless, they understand. Usually.
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Even if they don't, it's fine as long as they're safe and happy. My parents are getting older now, so I don't want them to worry about my siblings being provided for. I don't need to be home to make sure they have what they need, and I don't need half the money I have anyway.
[Sometimes you are just obnoxiously rich so you use it to spoil your family... it happens]